Category: Illness
-
What is it to…
What is it to 'go on', to 'leave behind', to 'finish with'? I don't quite mean moving on to doing something else, which is often coloured with the anticipation and energy of whatever it is that is new. ••• Over the past few weeks, my cable company has been running episodes of The Closer back…
-
A Hollywood ending
So: although it has been a bad year – illness, anxiety, possible collapse of plans, disconnected from a culturally suicidal Britain, feeling cornered by the future – hospital, new medications, side effects – that year is now having a big Hollywood ending: after three or four days of some of the worst side effects I remember ever having, they are suddenly…
-
At the moment…
things aren't bad today. My chest, stomach feel a bit heavy, a shadow of a headache, a sort of – can I say a fuzzy version of tingling, a bit like when you focus on parts of the body in meditations and body processes, except in this case not temporary? Don't know what you'd call that. I…
-
Urology, ward 2
Seven weeks after they put a renal catheter in, in Zürich, they take it out in Newcastle. Aaaaaaand they put in another one (AARGH DAMMIT). But that one will come out on Monday morning. So, more blood, and yes it still hurts a bit, but now in a slightly different way, yeah yeah yeah. You…
-
Unexpected…
[8 July 2016] I am in Zürich for a week, at the end of the normal Jung-Institut training sessions… I went to the graduation ceremony; there was an unusually large number of graduates, including a lot of friends (some of whom started after I did, but oh well). Hope to be up there in a…
-
Cracks in the world
A strange and fragmented time. It feels like a distant echo of the 1930s: erosion, disintegration of supports and safety. Feral rage, roving attacks. A distant whiff of rot and gunpowder. Milder, of course, by far – at least at this point in history: that weird sense that, with a massacre of innocents at a Florida gay bar,…
-
Haze
Two-thirds of the way through a twelve-week HCV treatment. Ordered in Chinese food, then the next day had a virus, fever, etc…. somebody sneezed, I suppose. Fairly wiped out for two days; in analysis (over the internet), an interesting focus – at one point my analyst points out that I speak of myself as a third…
-
Aschenbach-moment
The past few months: there is a lot to say, and not much to say… I continue feeling weakened, sleepy, with problems centred on the new medications. I resolve them more successfully on some days, with various ancillary medicines, and not at all successfully on others. There was a point in early January when I awoke,…
-
Shadows
… I don't feel well…. ••• Bits of news and experiences, some silly, some exasperating, exhausting. Some vaguely foreboding. I've mentioned my own error from late spring and summer, in taking charcoal capsules for stomach problems – which led to medications not being absorbed – which is now turning into a chain of events that has…
-
Power down / delete / restart
A strange time… that seems to fuse and clarify memories of other, earlier strange times. Including the past six months. Or the past three. The Jung-Institut weeks were – not fun, but somehow necessary. Several more turns of the wheel in understanding where/who I am. And my annoyance with myself over the past year –…
Paul Attinello 