After V.

Change, time, sudden breaks, new landscapes. Familiar to me; but this now is after a long time of relative stasis.

V.’s death coincided with finishing several things I’ve been working on for several months, and of course my increasing well-being over the past three months from the new medications; and considering, with increasing definiteness, moving on from northern England. (No, of course, that may not happen soon, because in my work it is hard to change locations quickly: but I have an increasingly sharp eye out for possibilities.)

Having V. missing from my life means: less kindly nagging, less support for getting things done; less pleasure and fun, and less refined education in the arts of self-indulgence. And, above all, less comfortable trust and safety: over the past year, especially, I had become more comfortable with her than most of my friends and acquaintances; she had the great advantage for me in being, in a way, sort of American in her social/emotional outlook – direct, not skittish or difficult, neither too easily wounded nor xenophobically judgmental. But perhaps I can try again to do what I thought I should do after Philip Brett’s death: internalize some of what I got from her – push myself forward in work and life, rather than depending on her to do so.

(Not perhaps so hard to construct, psychologically; I was looking vaguely upwards and commenting to her on various things all day yesterday. I don’t claim any particular rationality, nor any formal religiosity, in my attitude towards the dead – I’m just happy chatting with them when it occurs to me to do so.)

Then of course there’s illness, and sharing its experiences: but that seems to transform into the idea that I need to take better care of myself. Odd, that every time I am tired or have digestive problems I’ll want to talk to V. about it – well, I’ll probably talk to her about it anyway – for a long time.

And there is the feeling that I need to allow things to change, a lot: and be more assertive in those changes – to move on, not just to anywhere, not just where the wind blows me, but to some place that works better, for me –

to, in fact, create such a place….